Husbands and Fathers and Wives

Joyce Webb 2010

Almost all men seem to know this Bible verse: “ Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands…” Ephesians 5: 22

Submit means to yield to or be willing to come under the authority of another.

Marriage vows written by someone many years ago uses the words—-Love, honor, and obey.

Through the years —these words—Obey your husband—has given the idea that men have the God-given right to act like little kings—bossing wives and family around—demanding that they do whatever the man wants done.

We know from reading books and from families that we know— many men have this belief. They feel that they “rule”. Wives and children are to serve them and whatever they command.

This verse in Ephesians 5: 22 is not the only verse—and it is not the end of the talk about husbands and wives—there are more verses.

Ephesians 5:22 has more to say. After Paul says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands” — “As unto the Lord, for the husband is the head of he wife, even as Christ is head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be (subject) to their own husbands in every thing.

Vs. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;….

Vs. 28 So ought (should) men love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself.

Vs. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh (body); but feeds it and loves it, even as the Lord loves the church.

Husbands are to love their wives like Christ loved the church and gave his life for it.

Christ died for the church. Christ suffered beatings, insult, mocking, pain, embarrassment for people who would trust Him to forgive their sins.

Husbands are to love their wives like that.

Wives are to submit to their husbands as they would submit to the Lord. Wives know how much Christ did for them. Wives know how much Christ loved them. They submit to Him because of His great love and what He did to forgive them.

When husbands love their wives like Christ, wives feel that love and trust the husbands. When a husband loves his wife like Christ—he does not make rules and demands for his own selfish reasons.

When you love someone, your carefully think about what is good for them—-not what makes you happy.

Paul says that a husband should love his wife as much as he loves his own body. We feed our bodies, we take care of our bodies. We try to make our bodies as comfortable as we can. That is the way a husband should be to his wife.

A husband is much like a President of a business. The wife is like a Vice President. They work together. They respect each other. They both have their own work to do. They need to talk about it. Decide together what is the best thing to do.

A President of a business does not boss the Vice President like he was stupid or dumb—or like he was a servant. The President does not make all the decisions without talking it over with the Vice President. The President does not talk down to the Vice President and make him feel like a fool or that his thoughts are silly.

A wife is to be respected. Her ideas and thoughts are important. What she thinks and says needs to be thought about carefully.

 

Sometimes there are decisions that in the end of a discussion—the President must decide himself what will be done. When that happens, the Vice-President submits—agrees to do what the President has decided.

That happens in families. Husbands and wives talk. In the end, the husband has to make the end decision. Then the wife submits to that decision—she agrees to do what the husband has decided.

A bossy husband or father—-who throws his power around—demanding that whatever he says is to be done—is like a foolish king who cares nothing about his people, but demands everyone serve him–so he can be happy.

That kind of person is only thinking about themselves. That is not like Christ. Christ gave himself to others. He suffered for their good.

Husbands have great responsibility. They will answer to God about how they lead their families. The decisions they make are important and need to be done carefully. They need to protect and take care of their families in love.

They need to help their children become healthy in body, mind and feelings. They need to help their children grow in a way that so they can become responsible adults and parents someday.

Wives are not to try to be the President of the family. That is the husband’s job.

Some men are weak—then women try to be the “head” —President.

This is a hard thing. The family needs a leader—but the husband is not leading. This is when the wife needs to pray hard and ask for God to show the way.

The best would be for the Lord to show the husband his need to lead—for him to learn how to lead.

If he does not, the wife will need to go carefully. Try not to take the husband’s place. Yet —the Lord will need to show the wife how to do things and say things so that the family will succeed.

Some women are very strong in their ideas. They just decide for themselves about things. The women decide themselves what to do and they do not give the lead to the husband. This is not God’s way. The woman needs to talk with the husband and hear his ideas. They need to work together.

Sometimes a man feels okay about the woman making the decisions.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. The husband needs to know what the wife plans. She should not be running the family by herself. If she is the strong one, and the husband is okay with it—there still should be a talking about things for the husband to know what the wife wants to do.

He is still the head. If he gives more power to the wife than another husband—well, maybe that’s the way their family works.

It is not right for a woman to just take this power and by her strong will push the man aside and make him less so she can rule. That is not God’s way.

The second part of Proverbs 22:8 talks about rod of anger failing.

Men and women need to think about this. We often hear of men who rule over their wives and children in anger. Women can rule in anger, too.

This verse says that in the end the rule of anger will fail. It will not succeed. Husbands who rule their wives in anger will soon find that their wife is afraid of them and will hate them. The wife may try to hide her anger or hate, but it will be there down inside. The man is only fooling himself if he thinks he can rule in anger and still have a happy and peaceful home. His children will hate him. The children will leave home as soon as they can. They will not want to see him.

The wife also may leave. No one wants to be ruled. No one wants to be around an angry person. A person who sows the seeds of anger is very foolish.

If you find that you feel angry often, you need to do some thinking.

What makes you angry? Are you expecting things that do not happen?

Do you expect your wife or children to do things and they don’t do them? Are you expecting them to do things a certain way and when they do them another way, you get angry? Are you expecting more than they can give?

Do you expect others to do things exactly the way you think? Do you give others the freedom to choose how they do things? Do things have to be the way you want them? Why should your way be the only thing that happens? Are you better than anyone else in your family? Just because you are the husband does not mean you have the right to choose everything your way.

Maybe you expect too much. Maybe you should change what you expect. Maybe your children are not mature enough to behave the way you think. Maybe they need more teaching and showing by example to do things better. Maybe they need clear instruction on what you expect them to do. Maybe if you did the job with them a few times, they would understand what is expected. Maybe you should write a list of what you want.

Training takes time. Discipline does not mean punishment. Discipline means learning to follow and learning a skill. It means teaching and instruction.

Punishment should be for when a child disobeys on purpose. The child knows what he should do, but refuses to do it. Punishment should be thought about carefully.

It is not a good idea to decide a punishment in anger. If you are angry about something and punishment needs to be given—it would be best to tell the child that punishment will happen. Then give yourself time to calm down. Think about what the child did. Think about punishments and what would be the best for that wrong thing. Do not be too hard for little things. Then come back to the child and tell him what the punishment will be. Make sure he understands the punishment is because of his actions. Punishment should not be because you got angry.

When the Bible says that the “wife is to submit to the husband” it also says in the same place that the “husband should love the wife just like Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it.” Christ died and gave up his life for the church. Is that how you love your wife?

A wise king does not rule in anger and demand everyone do things his way. He would be called a tyrant if he did. A wise king is fair and just. He understands people and cares about them. He leads them. To lead people you need their respect. You need to speak to them with respect and kindness. They need to understand what you are trying to do. You need to explain and talk.

If it is a situation where the king must make a law or decision, he can be firm and say this is the way it is. It does not need to be done in anger. If the king makes many laws and demands just because of his own selfish wants—-the people will not respect him and will not want to follow him. People know that sometimes a king must make rules and make people obey them. Those rules need to be necessary and for the good of the people—not just because the king wants something.

Fathers and husbands need to be like a wise king. It is a big responsibility. They have been given authority by God to take care of their homes. They need to use that authority wisely and with kindness and love.

Being bossy and angry is not what God thought of when he gave husbands and fathers authority. Authority also means responsibility. God will hold men responsible for the way they ruled their families. Men need to think carefully about it and do it God’s way.

Women also need to be careful. Their authority is not to be used in anger or in selfishness. Authority is meant to serve and keep order and safety of the home.